read me

yup…it has been real long..but i guess i was just collecting all that i am thinking and feeling all together until one day i explode and who noes wat the consequences are…i am once again in a place where i dun noe anymore wat to feel and think of myself and wat more..the people around me..

being a  very experienced person in rejections, acceptance, ambiguity, silence,havoc and everything else in the world that could bring a person to change rather dramatically that the person closest to u no longer understand why u did wat u did and wat u feel and y u feel so. and most pathetically i myself have no idea why i am feeling the way i am now.

do u noe that there are many ways people cope with situations that they are unfamiliar with that causes feelings such as fear and insecurity..there are those who embrace it and accept the unfamiliar and cope right head on with it…there are those who just shuff it into the cupboard and probably shread it into pieces..and there are also those who just completely reject them even though the situation really meant alot to themselves.

i think i am the 3 kind of person. i wouldnt say i am at a position where i am not sure wat are the situation that i am facing with. i noe it cleary. as clear as how the sky is blue and how the birds still chirp right after a thunderstorm.(wat the hell does it got to do with wat i am trying to say eh? ) ok..back to wat i think i am goin to say is friendship has always meant to be something really special and sacred to me.i think i am a person who really cherish it and prob hold on to it and even when the other person has already let go of the relationship i would prob still hold on to it and hope that it will always get back to normal but of course, dreams and reality are always different and dreams are just meant to be forgotten as like how often u forget ur dreams almost immediately u wakes up. because dreams are something that you really wish and hope and probably something that is unachieveable or probably would not even had exist in this world whether it’s an abstract or concrete rite?

of course when one’s existance or presence is not appreciated, one can sense that you no longer are to be in the situation rite?well yup..thats wat i am feeling at the moment…n yes we have been frens..real good ones too..but i think i now have to learn to let go because all of the sadness and anger that i have repressed deep inside whichever part of my brain heart or wherever it might be because if i dun,i think i will turn into a person who is bitter and will no longer believe in any relationship/ friendship that can be really intimate, open truthfull, happy, free,passionate of each other, trust each oth with the most sacred thoughts and feelings and loads more that fren do, did, done and goin to do?

i once totally agree and still am with my lecturer who said that…friendship is not a friendship until there exist a 2 way relationship bet 2 person. friendship exist oni when there is a mutual thing goin on bet each other. its not when one person is just doin the toking and the other listens. it really takes 2. we need to share each others thoughts with each oth.

well guess wat…i have no idea wat i wan to say anymore…i dunno where i am heading with this but well i feel relieve noeing that i have already let it all out and really hope i no longer be the bitter person deep inside me…and for once i really hope i am happy for who  i am and not wait till people appreciate me then oni i am happy about myself. i feel those who dun appreciate me for who i am just would not have known me enough. with insufficient knowledge of anyone, i think nothing exist..yup..hrm…i think nothing really exist at the moment..there is now a fresh blank sheet of paper inside of me..waiting to be filled with sweet and happy memory of a fren who is able to provide each other wat real true frens should hav. 

many poeple do not know or perhaps realize the importance of encouragement. but even if u realise that, you might not even realize that the very small thing you do or say will always turn out to be one of the best encouragement one may ever experience in their life.

when i went back to check on my blog, to my very very very surprise i actually got 4 responses from my very very very old frens of mine. friends that had drifted apart over the years. the ones that i never in my life imagine keeping in touch with. you guys wouldnt know how much your feedbacks was to me. it was great! it really help me through my stupid emotionally unstable days.

i am more often mistook by many that i am an unapproachble person. i noe that but i think judgement has always been made very very prematuredly. i love ppl..i love toking and yakking away..one of my wish in life now is that i am able to hang out once again with frens that had been very special and close to my heart all this while.

time may past, and had transform us into many different other personalities and characters but who cares? of course one will always have to find ways to make improvement to self in society and among frens. bad adn good times i have had with many of my frens..but good frens will always remains no matter what.

the bottom line of this crazy blog is that, encouragement had made me realise that it has a very very strong effect on any individual. it may just be 3 words…a sentence, a smile, a hand wave, a "hie" or mayb a text msg..knwing that you will always have people behind you supporting you all the way…during the toughest hours and times, it will always be easier to survive through it.

"without badness, one will never be able to realise what goodness is like"

hai bloggie..i used to be really angry child when i was younger perhaps in my secondary school..i had pretty bad attitude..it’s like the world belongs to me and that everyone kinda "owe" it to me..i was being very self centered and i dunno…just not nice to ppl and everything around me just needs to please me..i dun noe how i got to be like that but perhaps hormones…or some crazy wire in my head went short..
i dunno but i think my personal internal self transaction began in f6 where i think i became more ppl oriented..i believe i was more approachable and mayb a bit nicer than who i used to be when i was in f6. form 6 was real fun though stress..i went through alot alot alot when i was in f6 and i think that wat made me a better person..i believe i offended alot of ppl when i was in secondary school and i really would like to apologize to them..if u are reading and really wan to be frens again. its weird i dunno who exactly i am thinking about now as in who i offended but still i really am sorry…
as time goes by..i found this really great guy…he meant the world to me and he treated me like a princess..everything was about me…my basic needs…my comfort "pillow", my punching bag..my everything la..whenever i am sad or lonely..i knew i could turn to him and i know he will always be there for me even in his own expense…i owe so much to him…he really help me though my hardest time and i dunno wat i will be without him being beside me all this while…
i belive his pampering had somehow sparked the "little selfish" me again..i took him for granted and yea…i think i had once again become self centered…its all about me again and that also everyone needs to please me and not me pleasing anyone…why hav i become like this…while all that he is trying to teach and guide me was to be a better person that i can be..
i have been hurting this guy like forever and him being a sweetie at heart just beared with my nonsense and all..i noe i look reallly bad now but really i am now striving and trying really hard to be a better person and i wan him to know that i really do treasure him and he really meant the whole world to me…and baby…i need you ok? be strong and bear with me..me help you and you help me…as long as we have each other…any obstacles or walls around us we will be able to climb it…thanks alot baby….i love you…

here i am…in singapore..to come visit my baby chloe..how she has grown over the month..she is so huge now..i cannot tahan see her so cute..her litttle gestures..her yawn her smile all so cute..how she moves her fingers..and she already can hold her head so well tho she is only 3 months..

its so great to have someone new in the family…i love babies…especially my niece…i am being so pathetic here..so no life onlly tok about her..but hrm…i think i noe y i am so cranky this past weeks..needed to see her desperately i think..seeing her just gives me the sense of peacefullness i need..tho she cries quite often..but hrm…i mean..mayb this is wat love is all about..the innocence that they have that we slowly lost as we grow up..it’s so real what i read in this philosophy book "sophie’s world" that says that as we grow..we dun seem to be interested in what used to interest us b4 which is the essense of what makes us appreciate what we have..

yea.. i think u guys wont b interested with my so called philosophy crap…so enuf with my crap already..i feel damn good today..i mean not dat i feel great about my body or face or hair..but inside..i damn toking crap boy now..but..nah..i am feeling really good..i mean i can be myself..i can do wat i like..i dun have to worry my every movement being watched so that others can talk about me…i mean dat’s wat home is all about right?..they just love u for who u are..no matter what wrong things u had done before that had hurt them..they still are family..the ppl u will always be together with..no matter what…even if u once distanced urself from them..eventually u will always be with them once again..with even better and stronger bond between each other…i now realise how much i love my mom..the person whom i felt so much anger for when i was a teenager..the person i tot who had hated me too..even thought i wasnt her real daughter..but i have to admit..she was quite bias towards me before compared to my bro and sis..but now..i really do feel that she loves me as much as she does for everyone else in the family..eventhough she had gone through so much for the family..she is really the pillar of the family..without her nothing would ever be the same…i really mean all this..as i type i cannot imagine how deep feelings i have for her..that i will never forget..i truly miss her now…oh gosh..i do..

my mom is truly a hero..and yup…i always miss home..i cannot imagine not being able to go home as i wan to next time when i transfer to US. i once tot about it..and actually cried alittle but my stupid bf said that day dat i wont feel anything when i leave..so if u are reading now..my bf…eh idiot..i do miss home ok…especially my mom, daddy,mei mei, both my bros, my baby chloe and my tai sou and last but not the very least..Y.O.U …you idiot!! love u all …till i blog my nonsense again…chao!!muacks!!

here i am..confused about myself…am i angry inside that i am acting weird lately..really weird and moody..i feel i am pushing everyone away from me..is it hormones or purely i am goin insane. everyone close to me i am shutting out..not directly but i dunno…indirectly? my poor baby have to live up with my mood swings and my housemates are of course scared of me..haha..yup..though they dun really show it..but i think i noe..past week has been quite stressful for me..i have so much to do i dun noe wher to start and when i start i keep thinking bout the other assignments and tests and all..argh…how i wish i can go back home…my comfort zone..my place…my very own territory..

have you all ever felt that sometimes no one understands u anymo? like sometimes there is no point in expressing yourself anymore because you just dun get the responds u wan and slowly in time you are just not bothered anymore to talk about things that you used to love talking..i feel i am bottling alot of things up that now even when i wan to expressed myself or to open up..i am lost of words…it’s like i am just…lost of words la..haha..see..u guys must be thinking i am really goin bonkers…

but yea..and another thing is…hav u all felt that you have been mistook all your life? well at least i have..and i am feeling it rite now…i dunno..you now how sometimes you really need to be alone to layan your inner thoughts..to recall back the feelings and thoughts in your mind just for the sake of it..to rethink of all the events that had happen for the past few days of you life…thats when u reallly wan to be left alone..rite? but when i do that…at home..i feel that people see me as u noe? antisocial la..i belive people around me are telling others that mayb i am too high class for them to tok to them or watever crap la they wan to tell others..i dunno wats the intentions but what the hell are their problems? y cant they just stop talking about other people..y must they bad mouth others to make them look good? and nevermind if they tok…i ignore..but i cannot help it that those who listens believe…oh my god…like what basis do the foul mouthed person to tok about me without knowing me…

sometimes i just give up being a nice person cos there is always people who not only want to bring u down but spread it all around to the people close to u to also bring u down..i think i am really upset inside over the things that is beyond my control..i need help…no i dont think so..i think i need real friends…its hard to find..but i dunno…see..confused again…

oh my god..people do read blogs huh? dat is so cool! i am really glad i have readers..haha…this might really turn out to be real fun…

today was kinda ok…i tot i would had fail my substance abuse mid term test but it turn out quite ok..kinda ok..wa….happy sial….if not kecut like giler!! panic like mad..of course i did not study much..my mind was really preoccupied with alot alot of things but it is really taking a good turn now..really slowly but definately surely…

oh yea…and my bf tried to be superman last nite…i think it must be the latest craze "superman return" la..dat stubborn fella…in da middle of the nite wan to take bike out and u noe la..melaka now adays at nite really cannot ride motorbike wan le…so ppl reading please dun mind that few bucks please tk the car instead ok…

ok back to my baby…my dugong went to smash a kancil..but it’s not his fault. the stupid driver suddenly in his stupid "ah ha" moment decided to tk a turn and there goes my baby…" it’s a BIRD, it’s a PLANE…NO…IT’S MY BABY!!!"phewwwwwww tut tut tut like one big watermelon…and landed himself 8 huges stiches….weeeee..yea…haha..i think i sound like a sadist..but of course i am hurt when i knew he got into an accident but right before he left his house i insisted he used his car…and my very smart dugong decided to save fuel…how smart can dat be? like helllo!!! common sense darling….car please!!!

so…i being a very notti gf gave him one whole day of very sarcastic day just to make his like miserable for…of course not listening to his gf’s advise..like hello boys out there…please listen to ur gfs at times…cos i truly believe gurls do have 6 sense when it comes to caring about their loved ones…truly….but of course men…being a block head thinks they are gods and won’t bleed…haha..proven wrong!!

for today…i am happy..trying very hard to keep sane and happy…and i miss my baby alot…cannot see him…how i wish i am back in mlk now to sayang sayang my baby..but really cannot la..i have loads of assignment and to top my ice cream cake…i have 9 chapers of developmental psyc mid terms on monday…but i am still playing games and chilling out with frens…

some one come knock me in the head!!!

hehe…so chao for now..have to go do my western civilisation assignment…

and people reading…yea..all the weird subjects i am taking is becos i am majoring in psychology and yup ppl..i wil be transfering next august 2007…boo hoo… if all is good!

i wonder what made me blog..but i think i am just conforming to others cos everyone seems to blog now a days. would i be able to blog interesting stuff to keep whoevever is reading my blog interested?? i seriously have no idea..
what should i start with?
i never realy tot i would blog cos i don’t think i am interesting enough to keep people entertain but what the hell i think i should just say whatever i like and feel at the time i am blogging and comments are always welcome…i don’t mind bad comments…i think it’s really constructive and i take in whatever is said to me and i really appreciate genuinity…however u spell that. haha.
life for me now is really complicated and tiring. i feel like i am no longer interested in anything anymore. it’s not that nothing interest me anymore but mayb i have some issues that i am not ready to tok about. wa…sound like a damn serious psychological problem but don’t worry it’s nothing.
hrm…still wondering if anyone would be bothered to read my crap..really…so people..try giving me a response?? please? haha..i am so pathetic…but what the hell…i always say what i think and feel and if anyone finds it offensive live with it cos i am living with people’s bullshit too..yup…the world is sometimes quite a sad place but it can be really cool at time. so chow for now..
"damn..what the hell am i thinking…to blog?" haha..this is gonna be one hell of an adventure/ journey/diary/ etc….